Insecurity is something I’d like to say we all deal with. If you disagree, I’m calling you on your lie.
Recently, I’ve been feeling increasingly insecure. It could be the new job. Since starting five months ago every now and then I feel when I take one step forward, gaining my footing, I take two steps back. Kind of like a humbling tango. Or, this decline in confidence could also be due to my upcoming wedding and the panic I endure every few weeks about the fact that someone has chosen ME to be with them for the rest of their life.
I’ll lay in bed thinking “Me? Is he sure he wants to be with this forever?” or “It’s only a matter of time before my flaws start wearing at him and he’s sick of me.” I beat myself up for even thinking these self-doubts. Then, I beat myself up even more for being insecure, especially when I scroll through my Instagram timeline and see other women living their best life via swimsuit photos and perfectly lit selfies.
As I sat on the couch one night after work drawing, a stress-relief that I often turn to when I need to clear my mind, something happened. I put down my pencil and looked at the portrait I had been working on. Then, I walked to the kitchen and asked my fiancé what his opinion of the drawing was. He hesitated and then asked if I’m finished with the artwork, to which I replied “no.” His response, jokingly and very matter-of-fact was “Why are you judging a drawing that’s not finished yet.”
I blushed because I knew he was right. It wasn’t done, so how could I look at it and say if it was good or not. Who knows what the potential of my drawing could be weeks or months from now if I kept working on it. And how could I judge my overall skill off one work of art. Call it God, call it love – this was a message I needed in my life.
What I realized from this simple conversation with the future hubby was I can’t judge myself because I’m not finished and never will be. That imaginary mountain that I envision for myself is infinite; there is no peak.
We are all pieces of art that will never be finished but always a work in progress. From here on out, I’m taking it easy on myself just as I would any artist still drawing.